


Can't See My Face In Your Heart Anymore

by Aberial_63



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-08
Updated: 2019-03-08
Packaged: 2019-11-13 23:55:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18041501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aberial_63/pseuds/Aberial_63
Summary: When Magnus is given a chance to get his magic back, he seizes it. Unfortunately, his decision has some tragic and complicated consequences...





	Can't See My Face In Your Heart Anymore

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Thousand Miles by Tove Lo

 

"Alexander, are you sure about this?"

 

"Magnus, I care about you. I want you to be happy. I don't love the idea of letting you go alone, but I know how important this is and I support you. Besides, it's not like you need my permission. If you really want to go, you'll go."

 

Alec tries to make that last comment sound lighthearted but Magnus can sense that he can't muster up the genuine emotion. He's scared. Magnus can't blame him for that. Magnus is scared too. 

 

Magnus runs his fingers over the fire message he'd received this morning. Even now, hours later, it still doesn't feel real. He shouldn't be holding this message, shouldn't even be considering its promises. And yet—

 

_ My son, _

 

_ I am willing to renegotiate our deal. Return to Edom in exactly twenty four hours and we can talk about restoring your magic. I will have a portal for you. Come alone. _

 

_ Sincerely, _

 

_ Your ever-loving father _

 

Asmodeus is offering a possibility that Magnus had started to give up on. He'd been finally starting to accept his new reality. He didn't like it, despised it even, but he accepted it. The arrival of this message had shaken the level ground that Magnus had finally started to find again. 

 

"Isn't it too dangerous?" Magnus asks, tapping his fingers nervously on the balcony rail. The cool stone and the evening breeze are the only relief to the anxious energy that makes Magnus feel sweaty and dizzy. 

 

"Probably," Alec replies, "and that makes me want to beg you to stay, but you need your magic back. I don't think I always understood just how much because I couldn't even imagine what it would be like to lose such a crucial part of your identity, but I do now. That's how I know that you need to go to Edom. I want to see you feel like yourself again so I won't argue, especially not when what you really need is for me to stand by your side. So that's what I'll do. I'll stand by you, Magnus. Always."

 

Magnus can feel his pulse thump loudly in his ears. How is it that Alec always knows what to say to soothe Magnus' fears and simultaneously make his heart feel like it is about to shatter with the sheer force of Alec's sincerity? 

 

He turns to face Alec fully and presses himself into an embrace. He nuzzles his face into Alec's neck and tries to steady himself. Alec wraps Magnus firmly in his arms, a reassuring pressure across Magnus' back. 

 

"Aren't you scared I won't come back this time? It's not often that anything but a demon survives not one, but two trips to Hell."

 

"I'm terrified," Alec laughs mirthlessly. "But I have faith in you. If anyone is strong enough to do this, it's you."

 

Magnus sighs shakily. Facing his father again is by no means an enticing idea, but it is necessary. Alec's words make him believe that maybe he would be okay, maybe he could do this. 

 

"I have every intention of coming back to you, Alexander. I promise you that. You didn't give me this ring just for me to miss the wedding, did you?"

 

Alec pulls back and a genuine laugh bubbles from his throat. 

 

"No, I didn't. I'm not going to lose out on seeing you walk down the aisle again so you'd better come home, okay?"

 

His hazel eyes hold a fragile fondness in them, the desperation shining just as bright as the love. Alec reaches to grab Magnus' left hand and brings it up to his lips. He kisses the silver band tenderly, almost reverently. 

 

Magnus shatters.  

 

He uses their joined hands to pull Alec back in and kisses him deeply. Alec responds immediately, like it comes as naturally to him as breathing. Their clasped hands are trapped between their chests, but they clutch at each other with their free hands, Magnus at the hairs on the base of Alec's neck and Alec at Magnus' hip. Alec's fingers dig into the waistband of his jeans and his lips are insistent and Magnus pushes into the touches.  

 

For the past two months, Magnus had been so busy trying to live in the moment that he failed to do exactly that. He missed the little moments because he'd tried to fit a century into the length of a day.   

 

Not tonight. 

 

Tonight, Magnus is going to be with Alec and he's going to feel it all: every emotion, every sensation, every second. He's not going to think about his father or what's going to happen to him. He's not going to think about his magic, not its absence nor its possible return. Tonight, Magnus is going to kiss his fiancé and make sure he knows just how close Magnus holds him to his heart. 

 

Magnus walks them backwards into the loft, never losing his grip on Alec. He only opens his eyes between kisses to make sure they don't go crashing into the coffee table. 

 

Somehow, they make it into the bedroom unscathed. Magnus is on fire, his skin burning and sensitive. His clothes rub him in all the wrong ways and the only thing that feels right is the calloused pads of Alec's fingertips. 

 

Magnus forces himself to step back and he can't deny the little thrill that rushes through him when Alec unconsciously chases his lips. He doesn't seem so disappointed though when Magnus grabs the hem of his shirt and pulls it over his head. Alec's eyes darken and his hands twitch at his sides like he's aching to reach out but he's waiting to see what Magnus will do. 

 

Magnus doesn't make him wait long. He moves in again and slides his hands under Alec's sweater. The planes of Alec's chest are so familiar to him now but they still make the breath hitch in Magnus' throat. He captures Alec's lips with his for a messy, world-spinning moment before trailing down to his neck and the black deflect rune that adorns it. Alec shivers and leans to give Magnus better access. Magnus slowly hikes Alec's sweater up the rest of the way and coaxes Alec out of it. 

 

Alec chooses that instant to move things along for them. He turns Magnus around and guides him toward the bed. He isn't rough about it. He simply uses a gentle hand to lay him back against the pillows. Alec's hand stays pressed to Magnus' chest as he settles down on top of him. 

 

His hair is wild from how Magnus wrecked it with his fingers. His lips are pink and his eyes devour every inch of Magnus' face before linking with Magnus' gaze. 

 

Alec looks like hope. He's everything Magnus has spent lifetimes looking for. He's everything that Magnus will die to protect. He's everything that drives Magnus to keep going, to see the wondrous things that are and the heartbreakingly perfect things that could be. Alec looks like love and home and family and all of the joys that Magnus has been chasing for as long as he can remember. Magnus never wants to lose him. 

 

"You're so beautiful," Magnus whispers, around a sudden lump in his throat. 

 

A smile flits across Alec's lips. He isn't as self-conscious as he used to be upon hearing a genuine compliment, but he still flushes red high on his cheeks. 

 

"Look who's talking," Alec chuckles as he affectionately brushes Magnus' hair off his forehead. Magnus ignores his attempt to lessen the intensity of Magnus' statement. 

 

"I mean it, Alec. You are the loveliest person I've ever seen. I see you and I can't help but think about how incredibly lucky I am to be able to have you in my life. You're so thoughtful and kind and you mean the absolute world to me. I can barely breathe at the thought of ever being without you. I love you, Alexander."

 

Alec furrows his brow.

 

"Why does that sound like a goodbye?"

 

Magnus shakes his head and takes Alec's chin gingerly between his fingers, as if he was holding a beautiful flower with the most delicate petals. He leads Alec's mouth to right in front of his own. Magnus barely has his eyes open as he caresses the shadow of stubble on Alec's face and the swell of his bottom lip.

 

"It's not a goodbye, my love. It's a vow. I'll come home. I'll come back to you. No matter what, I will find you again."

 

Alec sinks into the kiss that follows those words. Even if Magnus hadn't said them aloud, he knows Alec can feel them in that kiss. Magnus tells him over and over again in the way that he holds him. 

 

Magnus isn't letting go of Alec. Not ever.

 

.

 

Magnus wakes up with Alec's head on his chest. He's snoring softly and askew strands of hair brush against Magnus' chin. It's still mostly dark outside, but the first rays of sun are rising over the cityscape. A pale light creeps through the curtains and lands on Alec's cheekbones. 

 

Magnus does his best to memorize this moment. This is how he wants to remember Alec if things don't go well in Edom. He wants to remember him this peaceful, this free of worry. He wants to protect the memory of the warmth of his body and the way Alec's arm is slung over Magnus' waist with his hand tucked under Magnus' back, like he is clinging to Magnus even in his sleep. It's so achingly sweet that Magnus has to squeeze his eyes shut to hold himself together. 

 

He doesn't have to be in Edom for another four hours so Magnus lets himself revel in this feeling for a little while longer. Who knows if he'll ever have the chance again. 

 

An hour later, Alec finally starts to stir. He breathes deeply for a few minutes, before fully opening his eyes to look up at Magnus. He smiles languidly for a second until it falls away abruptly when he finally remembers what is going to happen. 

 

"You haven't changed your mind?" Alec asks in a sleep-muddled voice. 

 

Magnus swallows and shakes his head. He needs to try. A life without magic would always be strangled by the heavy, hollow feeling in his chest.   

 

"That's okay," Alec whispers, kissing Magnus' collarbone delicately. "Everything is gonna be okay, Magnus."

 

Magnus leans down and brushes their lips together. It feels sadder than any other kiss he's ever experienced. Despite everything they'd promised the night before, Magnus can't help but take this as a farewell. The future, the time after this kiss, looms and threatens to tear them apart. Magnus is nearly undone with dread. 

 

Alec pulls back. 

 

"I'll go make breakfast and you can get dressed, yeah?"

 

"Alright, darling."

 

Alec places a kiss against Magnus' forehead before rising to his feet and exiting the bedroom. 

 

Magnus forces himself to get up as well and makes his way to the bathroom. He showers slowly without meaning to, like he subconsciously is trying to postpone the inevitable, like staying under the spray of scalding water would keep his father away. 

 

Magnus isn't surprised by his overwhelming reluctance to return to Edom. He should be excited to finally have the chance to get his magic back. It would be the answer to the helplessness and unending cold that had invaded his bones. However, it is more complicated than that. It always is when Asmodeus is involved. The last time Magnus had gone to Hell, his father had taken his magic from him. What if this time Asmodeus takes something just as precious as payment?   

 

When he finally leaves the shower, Magnus carefully picks out an outfit and applies his makeup. He needs his stripes, today more than ever.   

 

The smell of pancakes and strong coffee tempt Magnus into heading for the kitchen. Alec is stacking a pile of misshapen but still delicious looking pancakes on to a plate. He lifts his stare from his task to look at Magnus. 

 

"Hey, gorgeous," he greets teasingly but with an admiring sweep of his eyes over Magnus' face. "Come sit. Everything is ready."

 

Magnus manages to smile and takes a seat. Alec places a mug in front of him and he hastily takes a sip. Of course it already has the perfect amount of milk and sugar. 

 

Alec sits across from him and Magnus tries to eat, he really does, because Alec made it and Magnus more than appreciates his lover's attempt at normalcy. He can't do it though, not when his stomachs is in knots. Magnus isn't sure he'll be able to keep more than a single bite down. 

 

"Are they bad?" Alec asks after a few minutes of silence and motions to the barely touched meal on Magnus' plate.

 

"No, they're wonderful, Alexander. I'm afraid I just don't have much of an appetite this morning."

 

Alec sips his coffee. "I understand, but try to eat at least a few more bites okay? Portalling on an empty stomach is never a good idea."

 

Magnus nods and over the course of the meal he finishes one pancake and washes it down with the rest of his coffee. When they've both finished, they quietly take care of the dishes. Magnus lets the routine of it occupy his mind for a while and ignores the minutes slipping away. 

 

After finishing the dishes, Magnus takes Alec's hand and leads him to the couch. There's still two hours until Magnus expects the portal will form to take him to Edom. 

 

"What do you think Asmodeus will want from me in exchange for my magic?" Magnus asks to break the suffocating silence. 

 

Alec sighs and runs his free hand over his face.

 

"I can't even begin to imagine what ideas go through the mind of a greater demon. I honestly don't know what he will ask of you, but do you want to know what I do know?"

 

"What?"

 

Alec tightens his grip on Magnus' hand. 

 

"Whatever it is, whatever he wants, you have to give it to him, Magnus."

 

Magnus' mouth falls open slightly. 

 

"That's not a good idea, Alexander. He could ask for something terrible."

 

"He definitely will, but we can handle the consequences. What matters is that you get your powers back. We will deal with the aftermath together like we always do."

 

Alec seems to have thought about this a lot. His expression is one of the fierce determination that is unique to people his age. It is so sure and so unwavering in the face of complexities. Alec says they will deal with the aftermath so they will. Alec believes there is no other option. 

 

There is no point in fighting it. Alec won't budge. 

 

"Fine, as long as he doesn't force me to hurt anyone but myself, as long as  _ I'm  _ the one paying the price, I'll do whatever he wants. I won't have someone else suffer for me."

 

His fiancé nods and appears to be satisfied with that response. 

 

They sit there for another thirty minutes before Magnus can't take it anymore. The waiting will kill him if they keep this up. He stands abruptly and walks to the record player. He picks an album and starts the music. 

 

"I can't just sit here or I'll lose my mind. Dance with me to pass the time," he says authoritatively. 

 

Alec stands warily, but a smile twitches on his lips. 

 

"I can't exactly say no to the man about to walk into Hell, can I?"

 

Magnus chuckles. "No, you can't. Now get over here."

 

Magnus tugs him close and clasps his hands behind Alec's neck. Alec rests his hands on Magnus' waist and pulls him closer. They're cheek-to-cheek and Magnus can feel the warm huffs of Alec's breath on his neck. He uses the steady rhythm to slow down his racing thoughts. He doesn't need to think about anything else but the man in his arms. 

 

Alec is safety, the one place where Magnus knows he doesn't need to be afraid. He is like the comforter that keeps the monsters away at night when you're a child or the white noise that drives away the eerie quiet that closes in on cold nights. He reminds Magnus that he'll never be alone again, that the world won't be able to touch him with its despairing fingers. Alec makes Magnus understand what it means to be secure.

 

They sway gently together to the beat until a wind starts to pick up in the apartment. Alec tightens his hold on Magnus protectively and they watch as a pulsing red portal forms in front of them. Wild, scarlet sparks crackle and sear the carpet. A dry heat emanates from the portal.

 

"That's my ride," Magnus murmurs and Alec tries to glare but it's overshadowed by the sudden concern on his face.

 

"Be careful, Magnus. I expect you back in one piece. You promised, remember?"

 

Magnus places a hand on his cheek. "I remember, my love, and I intend to keep that promise."

 

Alec kisses him deeply for a few seconds. 

 

"I love you, Magnus."

 

"I love you too, Alexander. More than anything."

 

The honesty of those words makes his heart quiver behind his ribs. 

 

It takes a Herculean amount of effort to pull away from Alec. Magnus steps toward the portal. He clenches his fists and doesn't let himself think for another second before letting the portal take him. 

 

The trip leaves Magnus nauseated and the world tilts beneath him where he lands. Somehow, he manages to stay on his feet and when he fully opens his eyes, he freezes. The scenery is all too familiar. The red sand. The angry orange sky. The screeches of demons in the distance. Edom. 

 

It's worse than he remembers. The heat makes him sweat under the collar but the desolation evokes a dark chill in his blood. The contradiction leaves him feeling unsettled and off balance. 

 

If he wants to get out of here, he needs to reach Asmodeus as soon as possible, get his magic back, and then make it back up to the land of the living. Magnus spots Amsodeus' home a few hundred yards away and Magnus begins to walk.

 

The building is decrepit and scorched from millennia in the heat. There is a roof, but it's in shambles. The walls are just as red as the sand that's under Magnus' feet. Debris is scattered in the area around the structure. It looks wholly uninviting but he doesn't really have a choice but to keep going. 

 

Crossing the threshold makes Magnus stop in his tracks because now he has full view of the inside of the building — and who occupies it. 

 

"My son," Asmodeus calls. "I see you have decided to take me up on my offer. I'm so glad."

 

His father is seated in a throne of pitch black wood and bones. His eyes glow gold exactly like Magnus' eyes used to glow. 

 

"Well, robbing me of my powers was a cruel little game and I'd very much like them returned."

 

Asmodeus grins. "I didn't  _ rob _ you of anything. We made a trade. I gave you the ability to destroy Lilith's hold on that boy and I got your magic. It was a business arrangement, one that you seemed to believe was worth it. I assume you've changed your opinion on the matter?"

 

Magnus grits his teeth. 

 

"It  _ was _ worth it because I saved countless innocent lives."

 

The demon stands and shakes his finger at Magnus. "Oh, son, don't lie to me. You only wanted to save the parabatai of your little boy toy. Don't get all high and mighty with me."

 

"Either way, I don't regret what I did," Magnus argues. 

 

"And yet you're here. If you're so pleased with your decision, why come here at all? I know it isn't for the climate."

 

Magnus holds his ground as Asmodeus approaches him. He won't back down, won't show weakness. 

 

"I wasn't going to pass up the chance to get my magic back. If you're willing to deal, then so am I. Same as before."

 

Asmodeus laughs. "You're an opportunistic little creature, Magnus. You get that from me, you know. I admire it."

 

"Enough conversation," Magnus growls. "What do you need me to give you to get my powers?"

 

Now, Asmodeus stands less than a foot from Magnus. He drifts his cat eyes over Magnus' face. Up close, they seem more dangerous than they had from afar. There is something calculated in them that Magnus doesn't know how to read. 

 

"When I took your magic the first time, I thought that would be enough to get you on my side. I figured you would come crawling back to me in a few days and beg me to reverse it. You've proven extremely resilient Magnus. I'm impressed, but frankly I was getting bored with waiting. You'd think that after spending eons trapped here, I would be used to waiting, but I'm still horribly impatient. I grew tired of waiting for my son to return on his own. I sent you that message because I'm more than ready for you to join me now."

 

Asmodeus extends his arm and places a hand on Magnus' shoulder. His grip is firm and Magnus can feel his skin bruising. 

 

"In the time since you first came here, I realized that I needed to restore your power at some point if you were to be of any use to me. No offense, Magnus, but this whole mortal thing you've been trying out is such a downgrade from your former self."

 

"And whose fault is that?" Magnus sneered. 

 

"Easy there, my boy. I'm not finished yet. Anyway, I realized something else as well: why it was taking you so long to come to me. It's all of those pesky little relationships you have with those on Earth. Your friends, your string of ex-lovers, your clients. Probably most important is the Lightwood boy that you are bizarrely attracted to. You resisted your desire to get your magic from me because you wanted to stay with them."

 

"You still haven't told me what you want to trade for my magic. Just get on with it."

 

The grin that takes over his face sends a chill down Magnus' spine. 

 

"Oh, there will be no trade, son. I only said that to get you down here."

 

Magnus groans in frustration. "So I came here for nothing? You made me come all the way down here just to rave like a lunatic and then refuse to return my magic? I should have known it was too good to be true."

 

Magnus tries to turn away from him, but Asmodeus holds him in place. 

 

"Magnus, I fully intend on giving you your magic back. You're no help to me without it. There will be no  _ trade _ , though. You won't  _ give  _ me anything. I understand you and I know that the only way to get what I really want is to  _ take  _ it."

 

Magnus' eyes widen in shock. Asmodeus isn't playing fair anymore. Whatever his plan is, Magnus will have no control over what happens to him. Somehow, that scares him more than anything his father could have asked of him. 

 

"Father, please, just tell me what you want and I'll give it to you. We can make an agreement, can't we?"

 

He takes Magnus' left hand in his. He locks onto the silver engagement ring. He hums interestedly to himself before pulling it from Magnus' finger. 

 

"You want my ring?"

 

Asmodeus chuckles. "Not exactly, but it will work wonderfully for what I have in mind. I want your love, Magnus. I want every emotion, every attachment you have to the people you care about to disappear. That's what has always held you back from reaching your full potential. You're too busy caring about them to let the depths of your strength run free. I plan to change that. All I have to do is eliminate all of those frivolous little feelings in your heart and it will unlock the warlock you were always meant to be."

 

Magnus feels like he is punched in the gut. His relationships are the only thing that make life worth living for Magnus. He breathes to love others, to connect with them, to find true meaning in their interactions. To take them away would be to destroy the very essence of who Magnus is. He could never be himself if he couldn't love, if he didn't feel the desire to help people, if he felt nothing but an all-encompassing self-interest. That isn't his nature.  

 

"No, you can't do this!" Magnus protested. 

 

"Actually I can. It's not that hard really. Lilith did it to that shadowhunter and she'd been exerting herself for weeks. Imagine how easily I could do it when I have been resting for centuries. I have a similar spell in mind and all it would take is a little enchantment and you'd forget every speck of love that ever lived within you. Everyone you've ever cared about would become memories that you feel nothing towards. When I'm done, you'll finally escape from the shackles of human emotion. You can be the son I always knew you could be."

 

Magnus can't  breathe. He doesn't want to forget about his family, not a single one of them. Not Catarina. Not Clary or Isabelle or Luke or Raphael. Not Alexander. He doesn't want to forget the love of his life, not when they are so so close to getting everything they ever wanted. 

 

"Please, don't do this. I'll give you anything else you want."

 

Asmodeus grimaces.

 

"Your desperation is very annoying. Please, do try to control it. And besides, there isn't anything else I want. This will be the perfect solution to my very troubling conundrum of how to get you to stand by me. Now, be quiet while I perform the spell. I need to concentrate."

 

He holds the ring up in front of him and his cat eyes shine brighter. Red magic pours into the piece of jewelry and a deep crack opens around the whole band. The fracture emits its own red light as Asmodeus keeps casting his spell. Magnus attempts to reach for it but Asmodeus flicks him away like he's a gnat.  Magnus tumbles to the ground. 

 

"Perfect," his father says after a minute. "Once I put this ring on your finger, your emotions will be completely blocked. It won't be able to be removed, but you won't even want to take it off because you'll have no memory of what was so important about the love it suppresses in the first place. Finally, you'll see what a nuisance these feelings are and you'll be glad I have given this gift to you."

 

Asmodeus restrains Magnus with a tendril of magic. No matter how much he squirms and struggles, Magnus can't break free. Asmodeus grips Magnus' hand. 

 

"No," Magnus gasps as he feels the ring slip on to his finger. When it is fully on his finger, Magnus breaks. 

 

For an instant, Magnus is in pain like he's never endured before. His chest constricts and it feels like all of his ribs crack inwards to pierce his flesh. His head burns and red light flashes behind his eyelids. Magnus is drowned by a sense of loss that is so intense he can't breathe. A single tear streaks down his face. He thinks he cries out for Alec but the moment is over before he can process it. 

 

And then it's done. He's winded but the pain subsides. 

 

"How do you feel?" Asmodeus asks from above him. Magnus can hear the expectant tone in his voice.

 

Magnus smirks and rises to his feet. He rolls his shoulders, relishing the satisfying popping noise they make. 

 

"Like a new man," Magnus drawls, brushing the dust off his jacket and wiping away the wetness on his face. 

 

It's the truth. He feels lighter. There's no weight on his shoulders, no burden dragging at his feet. 

 

Asmodeus smiles broadly. "I told you, didn't I? It's liberating to drop those meaningless human attachments. Now, I do believe I have one more gift for you. I think it's time for you to get your magic back."

 

A hunger rises inside of Magnus. He wants that power. He wants to feel strong again. He'd be unstoppable with it back under his control. 

 

"I couldn't agree more," Magnus replies, almost shaking with anticipation.

 

Asmodeus breathes deeply before summoning up a ball of blue magic. Magnus shudders. His body recognizes it, calls out to its other half. He's been broken since losing it and this will revive him. 

 

Asmodeus pushes the magic towards Magnus and Magnus opens his arms. 

 

He let's the energy flow into him. His breath catches as it finds it's way back home. His cells shine as they soak up the magic like a plant soaks up the rain. Magnus feels his senses sharpen and his heartbeat is stronger. He feels like he has power over his body again, like his balance has returned. Pure euphoria floods his brain and Magnus is lightheaded. He feels strong and drunk with power. Magnus loves it. 

 

When the initial rush finally subsides, Magnus lets out a relieved sigh and lights a billowing blue flame in his hand. It is the most beautiful thing Magnus has ever seen. He grins devilishly at his father. 

 

"Now that's much better, don't you think?"

 

.

 

Magnus isn't quite sure how long he's been in Edom now. At least a few days, he thinks. Since its return, his magic has been a little unpredictable, like it's still settling in and learning how to obey his command again. It sparks whenever he feels something other than lazy boredom and what are meant to be wisps of magic usually end up more like fiery blazes. When Asmodeus had suggested that Magnus remain in Hell until he can rein it back in, Magnus hadn't argued. There is no point in returning to Earth if he is just going to attract unneeded attention and ruin his good time.

 

Unfortunately for him, Edom doesn't offer many inviting pastimes. Asmodeus has his own duties to attend to and Magnus finds himself alone most of the time. He tries to practice controlling his power, and he sees some improvement. He reads a few of the ancient texts that Asmodeus has lying around, their pages covered with red dust. He fantasizes about what he'll do when he leaves Edom. Magnus could go back to Pandemonium. He could drink and dance and have sex to his heart's content. He could wreak a little havoc among the mundanes, maybe dole out a few curses on some clients who'd skipped out on payments or who'd been ungrateful little worms despite the outstanding service he'd provided. It would just be a little revenge to sate his palate, but not enough to put him on the radar of the bloody Nephilim that had always been a thorn in Magnus' side. Yes, he quite likes that plan. 

 

At the moment, he's sprawled over the throne Asmodeus had summoned for him. His legs hang over the armrest and his face is towards the ceiling. Through a hole, he can see a demon fly overhead, a dark silhouette against the crimson sky.

 

With nothing else to entertain himself, Magnus twirls a sphere of yellow magic over the tips of his fingers. He can hardly believe he has his magic back. He'd felt emptier, colder, without it. He feels alive again and the gentle hum in his veins is a reassuring presence. 

 

Magnus isn't too distracted by admiring his magic to notice when someone storms into the room. He doesn't look over, but he knows it isn't  Asmodeus. There isn't the familiar tap of his cane against the stone floor. However, it is familiar in a different way. Magnus recognizes the pattern of the heavy footfalls on the ground. He knows exactly who has come for a little visit.

 

"Magnus," Alec breathes, his voice filled to the brim with relief. 

 

Magnus pulls his eyes away from the magic and slowly drags them up and down the man's tall frame. He certainly is handsome for a shadowhunter. Magnus can understand why he had once been so drawn to him. He is a wonderful lover as well so that had been a major plus. Magnus quirks an eyebrow as he remembers some of their more exciting nights and wonders if he could convince the man to indulge him while he's here. It's not like Magnus has anything better to do.

 

"Alexander," Magnus purrs. "How sweet of you to stop by."

 

"You're safe," Alec says like he can't quite believe it. "And you have your magic back."

 

"You always were so observant." 

 

Magnus turns his attention back to the sphere of energy dancing around his fingers. He frowns when he he sees it has turned lilac since he last looked at it and the edges have gone from sharp to fuzzy and muddled. Magnus tries to change it back, but he feels his magic resist. This has never happened before. 

 

Alec moves closer, but Magnus can hear the hesitancy in his slow steps. 

 

"What did Asmodeus ask for? What deal did you make?"

 

"There was no deal," Magnus explains absently as he forces his magic to obey and go back to its original state. Magnus smiles triumphantly. That must've been a little fluke due to the adjustment period he is still working through. "He gave it back to me yes, but only after he cured me of my rather unseemly entanglements."

 

Satisfied with his control over his magic, Magnus sits up and looks back to Alec. He is standing a foot or two away from Magnus now. His expression is troubled and confused. He studies Magnus like he doesn't quite recognize him. 

 

Magnus flashes him a grin to test his reaction because he's not fond of being looked at like that. It seems to be enough because the worry falls from his features. 

 

"I don't know what that means but honestly I don't care. We can talk about it later. I'm just so happy to see you safe. It's been three days since you left and I was so scared something terrible had happened to you, but here you are. You're okay."

 

Magnus stands from his throne. Alec's voice is thick with emotion and it makes Magnus' stomach turn. He hadn't liked the scrutiny, but this is worse somehow. Disgust curls in his gut at the care those words hold. 

 

"I'm more than okay, better than ever. I'm fucking fantastic actually, so please don't ruin it with your pathetic little sentimentality."

 

He watches Alec's jaw drop slightly in surprise. Magnus hopes that will make him cut it out. Sappiness isn't exactly the kind of entertainment he'd been looking for. 

 

Instead, Alec steps forward and takes Magnus' hand in his own. He looks into Magnus' eyes and his gaze practically drips with tenderness. Magnus feels the buzz of his magic grow more insistent under his skin and he shifts uncomfortably. 

 

"Hey, what's going on? Something is clearly different with you. Talk to me about it, Magnus."

 

He pulls Magnus' hand up like he's going to kiss it as he had the night before Magnus came to Edom, but he stops short when he notices the red glow of the ring. 

 

"Magnus, what's going on?"

 

Magnus yanks his hand away harshly. This isn't nearly as much fun as he'd hoped it would be. 

 

"What's going on is that you're boring me. If you're going to go all soft on me, then you can just leave. I'm not interested."

 

He returns to his seat and slumps against the back of it. He purses his lips discontentedly. 

 

"Tell me why you're acting like this," Alec demands firmly. "Tell me what happened to your ring."

 

"Will that get you to go away?" When Alec doesn't respond except by folding his arms, Magnus sighs and relents. "Fine. My father enchanted this ring to rid me of my love for other people. As long as I'm wearing it, I don't feel those ridiculous little pangs of human sympathy."

 

A gasp catches in Alec's throat. He appears to be horrified at what Magnus had told him. 

 

"By the angel, Magnus, I'm so sorry. We need to take it off."

 

"Don't bother, it can't be removed. And don't be sorry, Alec. You may not understand it, but this might be the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm a free man now. I don't have to bother with other people. All I have to worry about is myself. It's liberating to shake off the chains of the meaningless commitments mortals make with one another. I didn't see it before, but I do now."

 

Alec shakes his head.

 

"You don't really believe that. This isn't you. The Magnus Bane I know values his family, values his friends. And it took my the longest time to wrap my head around, especially when we were still getting to know each other, but he values me more than I probably deserve. He is so filled with love that he can barely contain it. That's who you are. This spell may be keeping the real you locked up, but, inside, that's who you are."

 

"If that's what you think, then you must not know me at all," Magnus shoots back. 

 

"I know you better than I know myself," Alec replies, approaching Magnus. "I know all you've ever wanted is to love and to be loved in return. Even if you can't see it now, it's the truth. I'm going to try to help you see it again."

 

Magnus scoffs. "Good luck with that, pretty boy."

 

Alec is right in front of him now. He kneels down slowly so that their eyes are level with one another. Magnus meets his soft gaze with a scathing glare that would make a coward of any other person. 

 

"I remember the first time you called me that. It was the night we first met. You were so beautiful that night and I don't think I even knew how to handle the attention from someone like you. It was amazing though because it made me feel  _ seen  _ for the first time in my life. I didn't even know you yet but I knew I wanted to surround myself with that feeling. Magnus, I didn't realize it then but that night changed my life forever and I'm so thankful."

 

"You shouldn't have read so much into it. It was an offhand compliment at most," Magnus argues. 

 

"Then what about when you interrupted my wedding to Lydia? That wasn't nothing, and even now you must see how important that was. Magnus, you don't just crash someone's wedding as an offhand compliment or an empty gesture. That day, that first kiss we shared, that meant something. You made me feel free. I wasn't hiding anymore. I was letting go of the Clave's judgment and all I cared about was you. I had never been so relieved to see someone before. You kissed me and it meant that you'd felt it too, that I wasn't the only one who had started to fall."

 

He feels a spark at his fingertips and an odd pressure forms behind his sternum. Magnus swallows harshly and presses his hands flat against the armrests to hopefully hide the little lapse in control. 

 

"What can I say? I have a flare for dramatics and I've always loved the spotlight. Stealing the groom from the bride creates quite a spectacle."

 

"You're really going to make this difficult, aren't you?" Alec says, smiling despite himself. "I'm glad to see that hasn't changed."

 

Magnus almost smiles back but he catches himself. What is happening to him? 

 

"Do you remember the celebration after Valentine's death?" he asks.

 

Magnus nods. "Yes, I do. There were free cocktails. I had more than a few drinks that night."

 

"I was referring to the more important details of the evening. I told you that night that I couldn't live without you and I don't think I understood just how true that was. Reuniting with you that night made me feel like the world was right again. I remember we went home together that night. We told each other everything we hadn't been able to say in the days leading up to then. I told you that I loved you more times than I can count. You told me that you'd missed me, that holding me again felt like a dream you never thought you'd reach. We made love for hours that night. It wasn't just sex. It was everything we couldn't put into words and I have never felt so connected with someone before. It was raw and it was vulnerable and it was  _ real. _ "

 

Magnus does remember that night. If he thinks hard enough he can recall tiny snippets of what occurred. 

 

_...I want you, Magnus....Please don't let go of me again...I need you... _

 

_ Alexander...You're better than anything I ever thought I'd get to have... I'm not letting go... _

 

The intensity in Alec's eyes is too much. Magnus shouldn't be affected, but he is. It isn't how he remembers emotions feeling but it's just as aching. He feels nauseated and the pressure in his chest is growing more painful with each of Alec's words. 

 

"Alright, I think that's enough, don't you? This is getting old."

 

Magnus tries to avoid making eye contact but Alec is relentless.

 

"No, look at me. Look at me and tell me that after all we've been through that you don't love me," Alec orders. 

 

Magnus feels trapped. He needs space. He stands abruptly and storms past Alec. 

 

"I don't love you," Magnus insists but it takes more energy than it should. 

 

Alec's hand lands on his shoulder. Magnus tries to repel him with his magic but it only sends a flurry of sparks down to the floor. Magnus groans frustratedly and turns back to face Alec since his magic isn't cooperating. If he can’t push him away with his magic, Magnus will have to use his words as his weapon.

 

“Frankly, I’m not sure I ever loved you at all, even before this ring was put on my finger. You’re a weak, pathetic excuse for a shadowhunter. You bend with the Clave’s every whim while prancing around like you’re some revolutionary because you’re in a relationship with a downworlder. You’re insecure and needy and you constantly need someone to validate you. How could I love someone like that? Don’t you get it? I was using you, Alec, because you were a good lay and it fed my ego to have someone who worshipped the ground I walked on. I didn’t love you.”

 

Alec looks as if he had been slapped. Magnus knows everything about Alec, including everything he hates about himself. It isn’t difficult to push all the right buttons to make him snap.

 

“You don’t mean that,” Alec says shakily. Magnus sees him swallow harshly, like he’s trying, and failing, to keep his emotions in check.

 

“I think I do. If you don’t believe me, you’re either stupid or you’re naive. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was both.”

 

A vindictive sort of pleasure bubbles in Magnus when he sees tears gather in Alec’s eyelashes. Maybe he’ll finally back down and just let Magnus be. Maybe then the hurt in Magnus’ chest will subside and things can go back to the way they were before Alec arrived.

 

Alec watches Magnus for a few rigid moments. The hopelessness rolls off of him in waves and his heartbreak hangs in the sweltering Edom air. 

 

Magnus just starts to think he’s won when he sees Alec’s expression shift rapidly. Suddenly, he’s more determined and his eyes light up with renewed vitality.

 

“I love you, the real you. I’m not giving up. I will stay right here and remind you of just how much love your heart can hold until I see the man that I know again.”

 

"This is pointless. Do you really believe that taking a trip down memory lane is more powerful than the magic of a prince of Hell? You're delusional," Magnus hisses. 

 

Alec shakes his head.

 

"Oh, really? Look at your ring."

 

Magnus glances down. Instead of glowing purely red, electric blue streaks stripe across the jagged fracture. It's the color of his magic in its simplest form. 

 

"You're fighting it, even if you don't know it. Something inside of you is trying to break free from Asmodeus' spell. It doesn't matter whose magic cast it because you're Magnus Bane. You're strong enough to fight this and  _ win. _ "

 

This should not be possible. Nothing should be able to destroy the magic of a greater demon, a prince of Hell nonetheless. Magnus’ head feels like it’s going to explode as he tries to comprehend the impossibility of what is happening. 

 

He moves into Magnus' space and Magnus can't breathe. Something about his closeness sends Magnus reeling and the pressure behind his ribs grows ten times worse. 

 

Alec resumes his efforts.

 

"Do you remember when I proposed to you?"

 

A sharp pain stabs against his heart. Magnus digs his nails into his palms to brace himself. 

 

"Of course I do. I'm immortal, not senile."

 

The memory is fresh in Magnus' mind. It was only two weeks ago after all...

 

_ It was a lazy evening in. Alec had been a warm presence between Magnus' legs, sitting comfortably bracketed between Magnus' knees with his back against Magnus' chest. Magnus had had his hands on Alec's stomach.  _

 

_ Alec was holding a book out in front of them and he read aloud. It was some fantasy novel that Magnus had found at the library and they'd decided it would be fun to curl up and read together.  _

 

_ Alec's voice was slow and honey-sweet. Magnus listened to the words, but he let his eyes slip shut. He pressed kisses to the curve of Alec's neck every so often. It was serene.  _

 

_ When Alec read a particularly funny line, Magnus let his low chuckle spill over Alec's skin. Alec was quiet for a moment.  _

 

_ "Marry me," Alec said.  _

 

_ Magnus opened his eyes in confusion.  _

 

_ "I'm pretty sure that's not what the line says," Magnus whispered. _

 

_ "No, but it's what I'm saying. Marry me, Magnus." _

 

_ "Alexander, there's nothing I could want more than to marry you. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I love you." _

 

Magnus blinks himself out of his thoughts when Alec speaks. 

 

"I proposed when I did because I realized that it meant we could have moments like that for the rest of our lives. I would get to spend an infinite number of hours in your arms. I would get to keep the moments that are just for us. I wanted that intimacy with you for as long as I could have it. Magnus, I love you and I would give everything to spend eternity with you."

 

Magnus flinches. Each word hits him like a physical blow and he is panting now. His whole being is in a state of revolt. Asmodeus' magic burns in his veins and his own magic crashes against it violently. The two energies war for dominance and Magnus feels split in two. His ears are ringing and Magnus just wants it to end. Sparks crackle around his knuckles. 

 

"Stop," Magnus pleads, letting all of his anguish seep into the single syllable. "I can't take this anymore."

 

"Just keep going, Magnus," Alec urges. "You can beat this. If not for me, then for everyone else you love. Do it for Catarina and Madzie. Do it for Raphael. Do it for Luke and Clary and Izzy. Do it for every person that needs you to come back to them. We need you, Magnus."

 

Images flash through his head. Dancing with Catarina in Italy. Drinks with Luke at the Hunters Moon. Tucking Madzie into bed and humming a lullaby under his breath. Walking with Raphael into church for the first time after he turned. Laughing with Isabelle and Clary in the loft, Alec muffling his giggles in Magnus' shoulder.  

 

Magnus falls to his knees. He tastes blood on his tongue. Through his blurry vision he can see only a small spot of red on his ring. The rest shines vibrantly blue. 

 

"Magnus!" Alec cries, dropping to the ground to cradle his face between his palms. 

 

Magnus watches the red light get consumed by Magnus' magic. The second it fully disappears, Magnus feels Asmodeus' magic burn its way out from under his skin. It feels like it chars every single one of his nerves and Magnus can't hold in his guttural scream. His eyes are barely open but he can see the scarlet flames sink into the floor and die out.

 

Then, for a brief moment in time, Magnus experiences a blissful nothing. No sound, no sight, no pain. Nothing. It's a salve to the excess of sensation he'd just endured. 

 

He is drawn from it by the return of his hearing.

 

"Magnus, are you okay? Love, please answer me."

 

He struggles, but Magnus manages to tilt his eyes up to look at Alec. 

 

His heart swells in that moment with an adoration so overpowering it brings him to tears. Magnus can remember it all again, every ounce of love that's ever touched his soul. It floods through his system like the cool air on an early spring morning. He can breathe again and his muscles release all of the excess tension they'd been holding. For the first time, Magnus actually feels fully like himself. He feels drained and sore, but his mind is sharp and his heart is full. 

 

"Alexander," he croaks out. He gathers enough energy to smile up at the shadowhunter.   

 

Alec grins widely and Magnus wants to admire that smile for the rest of his days. 

 

"It's you," he breathes. "It's really you."

 

"I promised I'd find you again, didn't I?" Magnus says softly.

 

"Yeah, you did," Alec laughs wetly. 

 

"I'm a man of my word, Alexander."

 

Magnus readily leans into Alec as he pulls Magnus carefully to his chest. Magnus can hardly fathom how any sort of magic could have made him forget this, this sense of absolute tranquility that only Alec knows how to provide. Magnus wants to stay like this forever. 

 

But they can't. They're still in Hell and Asmodeus could return at any moment. 

 

"We need to go," Magnus says, summoning up the might to push himself to his feet. Alec follows him. "My father definitely knows you're here by now. He'll be able to sense his spell breaking and he'll want to find out why. We had better be gone before he gets here."

 

"Oh, I'm afraid it's too late for that," Asmodeus says from the entrance. 

 

Alec immediately places himself between the father and son. His body has gone stiff as he acts as a human shield. 

 

"Stay back," Alec growls. "You've done more than enough harm here already."

 

"That's where we disagree, Nephilim. I think there's plenty more harm to go around."

 

Asmodeus sneers threateningly before raising his arm. Magnus launches himself forward just as orange flames shoot from his father's hand. 

 

Magnus throws up a protective barrier in front of Alec and himself. The flames bounce back and Asmodeus side steps so that he doesn't get a taste of his own medicine. 

 

"Well, it seems like you've grown stronger since I saw you last, my son. I assume that means your magic has settled in at long last."

 

"Indeed it has, now that I have broken free of your little curse. I'm myself again and, not to be too on the nose here, I'm a Hell of a lot stronger when I'm myself and not just a resource for your own personal gain."

 

Asmodeus begins to circle them leisurely. Magnus keeps the barrier up and presses back against Alec to make sure he isn't left vulnerable. They turn together so that their backs are never turned to the greater demon. 

 

"I find this odd considering how weak you become around your companions," Asmodeus muses almost thoughtfully.

 

"You still don't understand, do you?" Magnus scoffs. "Love doesn't make you weak. It makes you powerful. It gives you a reason to fight harder than you ever would before. But then again, you've never known what love really means so I guess I'm not surprised that you can't see that."

 

Asmodeus frowns. "That isn't true. I love you, my boy."

 

"No, you don't. You just want my power. You want to use me for your own selfish benefit. That isn't love. That's greed."

 

"Clearly you don't understand me at all," Asmodeus replies. 

 

"I understand you perfectly, father, which is how I know I can't leave here without making sure you can never get to me or the people I care about ever again."

 

"And how do you intend to do that?"

 

Magnus grins wolfishly. 

 

"Well, let me tell you. You see, in all of those many hours when you left me alone over the past few days, I had a chance to get my hands on one of the very interesting demonic spell books you have lying around. I read about an old Enochian spell that can be used to remove a greater demon's powers. That seems like poetic justice, don't you think?"

 

Asmodeus grows wild with rage. 

 

"Do you realize who you're talking to right now? You may be powerful, but don't forget who came first. Do you really believe you are capable of pulling off a stunt like that against  _ me _ ?" 

 

"No harm in trying," Magnus shrugs. He summons the spell book and flips it open. 

 

He mutters the incantation lowly. He pulls the magic from deep within his core. He feels shaky but he pushes on. Magnus shuts out his father's yells and focuses on the spell and maintaining the barrier. 

 

When he starts to falter from splitting his energy, he feels a hand slip into his own. 

 

"Take what you need," Alec murmurs. 

 

Magnus nods gratefully before gently extracting some of Alec's strength. He speaks with renewed vigor and makes it to the end of the spell. He's left with an orb of flashing magic in his palm. Magnus stares at it for a second before crushing it in his hand.

 

"No!" Asmodeus cries desperately. 

 

Magnus doesn't respond though. The exertion of it all finally catches up to him and he feels himself staggering to the side. He collides with Alec's chest. Alec instantly is there to support him. 

 

"I've got you," Alec assures him.  

 

Alec reaches into his pocket and removes his stele. He draws the portal rune that Clary created all those months ago before scooping Magnus into his arms.

 

Magnus clings to him and ignores his father's protests as they step through the swirling portal. 

 

They emerge in the loft that's tinted gold by the afternoon light. Alec gently places Magnus on the couch before taking a seat beside him and pulling him close again. They sit in silence for a moment to process what just happened. 

 

“Alexander, I'm sorry,” Magnus starts when he finds his voice again. 

 

Alec frowns down at him.

 

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Magnus. What are you even talking about?”

 

Magnus sighs and rubs a hand down his face.

 

“All of the cruel things I said to you down there. I didn't mean any of it, I hope you know that. The spell was trying to protect itself from you. It played off of what I know about you and twisted it to push you away.”

 

Alec kisses his temple sweetly. 

 

“I do know that. It hurt a lot, I'll admit that, but I understand you weren't in control of what you were saying. It's okay.” 

 

“Just to be abundantly clear, you aren't clingy or weak or naive or any of the other insults I hurled at you. I'm not using you for sex or to boost my own self esteem. You're my everything, Alexander, and I want to marry you because you are kind and supportive and you make me happier than I think I've ever been. You make me a better version of myself and I'm so grateful to have you in my life, Alexander Lightwood.”

 

“I never doubted you, Magnus. I know that we're real. I know you love me just as much as I love you.”

 

“I think I love you more,” Magnus teases, poking Alec's side playfully. 

 

Alec glares down at him, but the fondness in it makes Magnus grin. 

 

“We're not having this argument,” Alec replies, “but if we were, we both know I'd win.”

 

He starts to lean in to press an easy kiss to Magnus’ lips, but Magnus stops him.

 

“Wait, I have just one other thing to say.”

 

“Go ahead,” Alec answers.

 

"Thank you," Magnus says.

 

"For what? I'm pretty sure you're the one who saved our asses back there."

 

"But you saved me before that. You helped me break the spell. I wouldn't have been able to do it without you there to show me exactly why I needed to fight. I was still in there under that spell and you helped me find my way out. Thank you, Alexander."

 

"You were always capable of breaking free on your own. All I did was give you a little guidance."

 

Magnus chuckles and looks up at him. 

 

"Stop being so modest and kiss me already."

 

Alec beams at him before capturing Magnus' lips with his own. It reminds Magnus of how very necessary love is to his being. He isn't the same person without love, but kissing Alec like this makes him think that maybe he'll never be without it ever again.  

  
  



End file.
